life in limbo

Forgive me but I’ve been at a loss for words.

I’ve traveled around the world thus far

And I’ve discovered things about myself

That the girl at home would never understand.

I’ve made a name for myself in some places that I want people to forget,

And I’ve been praised of my name in some places I want to go back to.

I currently live in limbo as I swing from one home to the other,

Always recognized in a different color, no matter where I go.

You see, authenticity has been hard for me and I’m sorry to say

That I’ve lied before.

I’m sure I misspoke my name many-a-times.

Because I’m still trying to find my place.

The place where I step onto the ground

and where I can say that I’ve made it my home without the birth-rights.

For now, my only constant remains on the road and I may have a gypsy soul

But I’m a poet at a loss for words trying to find her way home.

 

That poem was written soon after my 21st birthday. Living in your 20’s isn’t always everything I expected it to be. It seems as we grow in life we are always expecting our life is going to be how it normally would be 10 years from now. By my 20’s I expected to have a successful relationship, a solid career, my own place in a city or town I made my own, and the ability to no longer rely on vacations with my family. Being in your 20’s is strange, especially as soon as you turn 21. We would think we would have life figured out and look like a woman from Sex in the City. Unfortunately, it’s more like your last year of college, scrambling to prepare for a job, with a near future of being lonely and still living with your parents. It’s this strange mix of knowing you are clearly an adult and yet still not living that adult lifestyle you expected.

It’s at times like this when I remember how I felt when I was a teenager. I wanted to be on my own and in college so bad, then I got to college and wanted my carefree high school days back. We always want to grow older until we do and we want to be younger. It’s a hard bullet to bite when reality smacks you in the face and you suddenly don’t feel like you belong anywhere. Home is too suffocating and you like college because you have freedom and friends but honestly, the homework is relentless. So now you’re stuck and feeling like you don’t belong anywhere. Believe it or not, this is a time you may want to relive at some point.

We tend to fantasize the past in the present and we look toward the future with the strain of not being able to get there fast enough. Then when we do get to the future we romanticize our past when we weren’t really living in it. Being in your 20’s is truly a time for self-discovery. Even though you may not have the means to travel freely as you expected, you do have the means to reflect and work on yourself. We want to be prepared for the future right? Think of this time as simmering in a pot, getting ready for the buffet. You’re the star dish and its time to make your debut. You may be in limbo but this is the time to create yourself when you’re the star of the show. Live in the present, and just be.

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